Mr. Sandman...

"Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream - make him the cutest that I've ever seen" sang The Chordettes in 1954. Well, Mr.Sandman brought me a dream - one of a man I had never seen. It was strange, so lucid, so real and lasted most of the night.


It was definitely the strangest dream, yet I believe it held a very strong message for me. It was about a man who, when I first saw him, I thought him to be the ugliest man I'd ever seen. And yet, he began to morph and change, and suddenly it was the same man, yet I saw him with different eyes.


He had a protruding jawline, almost exaggerated. And then he was the most beautiful of men. Dressed finely in his Celtic kilt and very muscular. (Possibly due to seeing many pictures of these men on FB). He was charming, mesmerizing and beckoned me to follow. And follow I did.


We danced like children, laughing and playing in fields of green and gold. It was so surreal, and yet he made me so very happy. This went on for most of the night and then the truth struck me as if I had been hit by a bus.


He stood in the middle of a street, beckoning me to follow. I looked up and saw a stop light do I stay or do I go? I stood there nervously not knowing what to do. His smile lit up the sky as if he were a God himself. And as he grabbed ahold of my hand...


I stopped and looked back at all of the responsibilities in my life. I had a choice to make - go forward or turn back. Sadly, I turned back.


Maybe Mr. Sandman is trying to tell me something. Maybe I'm not so selfish, maybe, just maybe I have been bound by too many responsibilities' in my life for so long that I have been afraid to go ahead, go ahead and love and finally know love.


Maybe...

The Eulogy...

"She gave of herself unselfishly, to all who came into her world. She has fought and survived many battles in this life from a very young age. She lives not as an example, but of experience that has enriched the lives of those around her. Her spirit, strength, laughter and joy for all who knew her will always shine as a bright star in the dark sky's night. No one a stranger to her, all were her friends. She will be greatly missed by those who had the great fortune of meeting her upon their paths in this life. She will always be a shining star of love, whose love will forever shine upon all those she loved"...


It was during a workshop on death, dying and transformation that this was written. And it made me think of what was missing from this eulogy. The instructions were to write it as if someone that was close to you would. I chose my youngest brother and thought of what he'd say.




And in these times it is when we need to look closely at our lives and look for not so much of  what we have done for others, but what have we done for ourselves?  As I reread these words I thought of the things that I'd like to see in this eulogy - the girl who danced upon the Milky Way, the one who flittered like the butterfly she was - always reaching higher and higher until there was nothing left.




Yet in all earnest, the only thing that is missing in this eulogy would be -, "Although she has loved, she never knew love. Love never came to stay and always turned away". How sad, yet true. But why is it that this will be the lost line in this eulogy? Is it true what my dying mother said to me? That I am too selfish to give myself to anyone? With that said, does this then become a paradox? Am I too selfish? Too selfish with myself and my time to give love to another?


Or is it simply just a matter of loving, yet never being loved...