To Thine Own Self...

"To thine own self be true" is Polonius's last piece of advice to his son Laertes. Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 78-82. This most popular phrase from Shakespeare's play of Hamlet, Prince of Demark is used in countless ways. Although most frequently used in 12 step programs, which I have participated in for 22 years.

I have always felt that it to be so important to be true to one's self. Yet did I really grasped the concept of this phrase? I have always prided myself on my ability to be honest about my feelings and honest in all of my affairs (AA mantra). Yet when taking a closer look at myself - hmmm...yeah, ah ok if I say so.

However, I am honest in almost all of my affairs lest one - affairs of the heart. I had a conversation with a friend of mine a few weeks back and admitted to myself and my friend that I had not said the words "I love you" in twenty six years. Yes, twenty six years. How did I do this you ask? What brought me to this place? Lack of honesty in this affair - the affair of the heart.

I have been called out on the carpet over this one many times, being told that I create a fantasy affair in my head and never tell anyone about it - including the one I have attached myself to. So have I been honest to myself and others - no, I have not.

How did I get here? A very sad heart break. One so sad that I closed up my heart, vowing never to love again. Even when the man who broke this very delicate part of my soul returned to my life seven years ago, I still could not say those 3 words - even to him.
I was broken beyond repair and refused to acknowledge it.

What brought me to this place? Another sad heart break - one of my own doing. Now I have stated that I do indulge in my fantasy affairs of the heart that live on in my mind that I keep to myself. Such as the History teacher (to be fair - he came on to me and it wasn't until disaster struck that he admitted to myself and the rest of the class that he was married), however, we became friends until we were no longer friends. Then we have the infamous Psych teacher - who I became infatuated with for many years and when he asked recently if I had come to "just to see him", I replied no - came to see my nephews art. What a liar I am, in the affairs of the heart. I couldn't tell him the truth, that I did go there just to see him. And now...

So my latest indulgence was with a man that I have secretly crushed on for several months now. But I kept true to myself and kept this to myself. So when he moves on and finds someone new, what do I do? Become outraged because I demand that this man read my mind - that he should know exactly how I feel. And again, a closed heart cannot see the forest beyond the trees, nor be honest with oneself.

I have decided that it is time to open up - (slowly) and start truly being true to myself. I have spent the last 26 years of my life living in my head. It is time to go out into the world, to see what's in this world....

And to thine own self...be true...

Game Over...

Game over. That final inning. The last few minutes of the final quarter. When your character dies and your video screen states "gave over" and it plays the song of victory in reverse. When the game is over, and the jig is up - where does that leave you? Are you deflated with defeat if your team has lost? Do you feel devastated when your character dies? What happens when the game is over, really over?

Games. We learn to play them as children. They start out simple enough. But as we get older, it appears that the game as well as the stakes get higher. And these children that grow up into people - are the stakes so high that they too become more treacherous, more deceitful. What then?

Did their parents not teach them how to follow the rules? Or that it doesn't matter who wins or loses it's how you play the game? Were their parents unable to follow the rules?  Or that it doesn't matter how you play the game. Games always have rules, but as children get older, they either ignore the rules or just don't care. I don't think anyone really leaves their childhood behind, nor the rules that did or did not follow. Nor do I believe that playing games out of our own insecurities merit any benefit to either party - therefore why play games at all?

Why do people play games? I understand why sociopath's do - they are just wired that way. But what about regular people. Why do they feel the need to play games? Do they revert to the childish ways of their past in order to avoid conflict? Do people really feel that they have won by playing a game? And if so, what exactly have they won? Victory over someone else? The ability to hurt someone? Or is it simply just a means to an end. A way to exert power that they never really had. Two must play in order for one to win. And if only one is playing? My question is why? What do they have to gain?

When we learn to play games on other people - what do we gain? Victory? Free labor? Inflicting a pain on someone else that had been done to us?

 However you look at it - playing games does not produce any promising outcomes for either party.

Game Over...