To Thine Own Self...

"To thine own self be true" is Polonius's last piece of advice to his son Laertes. Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 78-82. This most popular phrase from Shakespeare's play of Hamlet, Prince of Demark is used in countless ways. Although most frequently used in 12 step programs, which I have participated in for 22 years.

I have always felt that it to be so important to be true to one's self. Yet did I really grasped the concept of this phrase? I have always prided myself on my ability to be honest about my feelings and honest in all of my affairs (AA mantra). Yet when taking a closer look at myself - hmmm...yeah, ah ok if I say so.

However, I am honest in almost all of my affairs lest one - affairs of the heart. I had a conversation with a friend of mine a few weeks back and admitted to myself and my friend that I had not said the words "I love you" in twenty six years. Yes, twenty six years. How did I do this you ask? What brought me to this place? Lack of honesty in this affair - the affair of the heart.

I have been called out on the carpet over this one many times, being told that I create a fantasy affair in my head and never tell anyone about it - including the one I have attached myself to. So have I been honest to myself and others - no, I have not.

How did I get here? A very sad heart break. One so sad that I closed up my heart, vowing never to love again. Even when the man who broke this very delicate part of my soul returned to my life seven years ago, I still could not say those 3 words - even to him.
I was broken beyond repair and refused to acknowledge it.

What brought me to this place? Another sad heart break - one of my own doing. Now I have stated that I do indulge in my fantasy affairs of the heart that live on in my mind that I keep to myself. Such as the History teacher (to be fair - he came on to me and it wasn't until disaster struck that he admitted to myself and the rest of the class that he was married), however, we became friends until we were no longer friends. Then we have the infamous Psych teacher - who I became infatuated with for many years and when he asked recently if I had come to "just to see him", I replied no - came to see my nephews art. What a liar I am, in the affairs of the heart. I couldn't tell him the truth, that I did go there just to see him. And now...

So my latest indulgence was with a man that I have secretly crushed on for several months now. But I kept true to myself and kept this to myself. So when he moves on and finds someone new, what do I do? Become outraged because I demand that this man read my mind - that he should know exactly how I feel. And again, a closed heart cannot see the forest beyond the trees, nor be honest with oneself.

I have decided that it is time to open up - (slowly) and start truly being true to myself. I have spent the last 26 years of my life living in my head. It is time to go out into the world, to see what's in this world....

And to thine own self...be true...