Santa...

Santa Claus - possibility the most famous name ever mentioned in written history. But is there really a Santa Claus? I watched a show tonight on TLC about a woman's journey to find a man named Lucas A. Nast. The woman on the show was a news reporter who had covered a story about a mysterious event of snow in Arizona some years back. She had followed a trail to this man that she (I believe) was Santa.

Now whether or not the event that had happened to her was true or not - the events that she uncovered are quite mysterious. The show was about letters sent to the "Santa Program" put on by the Post Offices all around the country. This man Lucas A. Nast had been a part of it and many strange occurrence's surrounded letters written to Santa that he had fulfilled.  At the end of the show, she had gone to a post office that was hosting it's first "1st Annual Lucas A. Nast" toy drive. When she arrived and when she told the detectives her name - they had revealed quite a tale!

A man that had been arrested last year on Christmas Eve and held until charges were to be pressed - had left her a letter. It contained a letter she had written to Santa when she was about seven - shortly after her parents had died. She had asked him to bring her parents back - and alas, he could not. But what he did do was send her a picture that was taken of with him a year before her parents died at a department store in New York. It was somewhat of a moving tale I am sure for most, yet not me.

I was five years old when I stopped believing in Santa - I think my father had a lot to do with that. Although I did not know then, what I do now (my father had developed schizoaffective disorder and bi polar II prior to my birth) is that I am sure much of his delusions had something to do with this. I know it is why I have always wanted to be in the world of psychology. He made me want to understand people - and why they do the things that do. Back to my story...

So on the Christmas Eve when I was five, I woke up suddenly and knew in my heart of hearts that I had heard the sound of reindeer on the roof of our home. But sadly, that illusion changed by morning. I never felt that way again. I remember watching "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" as a child and always felt that I was the little lost doll on "Misfit Island". To this day, I still feel that way. So watching this show tonight, seeing how this "Santa" or as one person on the show had said "St. Nick" had answered all of these letters - how so many children had been touched by this mystical being - except me of course. I always dreaded Christmas - I still do. Although I must say that this year I am happier than I have been since I really don't know when.

I had confided in my therapist last year about this time of year that I felt like the unwanted doll on Misfit Island. She had no clue of what I was referring to - but it really didn't matter to me, I knew what I meant.

So this last week, at my new internship, as I am filling out paperwork for my new clients, I keep writing 12/14/14, instead of 12/11/14. I had mentioned this to the last client of the day and she had thought it was strange. In my mad hatter thoughts, I felt - maybe something special was going to happen on this date of 12/14/14. But alas - nada. Except maybe this show.

Once I became an "adult" (notice the quotes) meaning, on my own, job, apt, etc. I have always bought everything whatever I felt I needed or wanted, which left my family upset because they never knew what to get me. I think I did that because I needed to reassure myself that since Santa had never answered not one of my letters, I would make sure I got what I wanted.

So this year rolls around, same questions from my family - what do I want for Christmas? My youngest brother says - what do you want - I say - what I want - money cannot buy. And it is true.
All I have ever wanted was to know love - real love - no more false love. And so as another year rolls by, I am still the lost doll on Misfit Island waiting for someone to do just that. To want me, to care for me, to let me know what love is. But maybe it is not meant to be.

What I do know is that I will have the kids in my group write a letter to this "Santa" and maybe their wishes will be answered, since mine have gone unanswered.

Until then, I will remain - the lost doll on "Misfit Island"...