I Just Want You To Know...

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You

#Hoobastank (2004)

I remember after mom my passed in 2004, this song was on the top charts. I remember driving to school and hearing this song. I remember crying, knowing somewhere, deep in my heart, these words my mother had been singing to me at that time. I could feel her pain, the sorrow for her own misgivings, the guilt she carried for the life she lived. The live that I lived within. And it's not that I didn't know how sorry she was, I don't know if she knew that.

I remember for a few weeks following her passing, a gift she had given me four months ago at Christmas. It was a small porcelain angel with the word that said: Me love you. It kept falling at my feet, my eyes swollen in rivers of despair.

And then...it all started...and I realized what she was sorry about...

It wasn't the past, that had been long done and over. It was about what was to begin. I thought I understood the lifestyle of the poor and disadvantaged. Hell, I lived in it for 19 1/2 years. No, not that. Had I known not only would I lose this woman that mean the world to me, I would have been okay. Sorta.

The song would play. I would listen. And then danger, disaster always followed - lurking in every corner of my world. I thought - would I survive? And if I did, what would become of me? 

And now I look back, today. Today because I heard that song again. That song that appeared to be a warning from the grave. From the past. Warning me.

Sorrow crept within my soul, and began to devour me.  What tragedies lied ahead? How long would it last? The past, always lurking in the shadows of my mind. Of my heart. Of my soul. Always there.

Although no real tragedy arrived, disappointment did. The disappointment that I have had for sometime now. Even before the past. Before I had to fall to lose it all. And I have to ask myself - did it matter? Is it going to matter? 

I know mom...I know...