The Valley of the Shadow of Death...

"Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow death, I will fear no evil" - once said by King David. Walking through the valleys of life, can sometimes prove to be a most wondrous of jouney's and others not so much. And how do we find our ways when the path is not so bright and wonderous?

I found myself wondering that for a while now. And why sometimes we must walk that same faithful walk of King David. How do we get to the other side? And once there will we be ok? Will we be able to be the person we were prior to this walk, or are we fated to become someone new? Yet the most interesting question is "why did we have to take this walk - one that at the very most uncertain"?

As I walked through this valley, which had been darken by death - I could not be sure of anything. I prayed to ancient diety to save me. But did they? Or was it simply just a universal fear of an Unforeseen God that saved me? What ever the case may be - I had to walk it one last time.

Although in retrospect, maybe I needed to do so in order to bring not just this, but other valleys to light as well. Life is funny that way; slam the past right into your face to force you to look at that which you choose not to see.

It started with a TV show that is shown only on Flix I started watching. The show is about a woman who has a "last chance" Angel who was sent to save her from the valley of death she chose to walk through. I am not a religious individual; but I do claim to be spiritually based in faith. As the show progressed, so did my renewed walk through my valley of the shadow of death, but not by choice of my own or doing.

And what I found was great release as well as relief. So many things that needed to be said, so many things that need to be brought into the light.So many secrets of abuse I was keeping to myself. While telling myself that it was ok, I'd find a way out. Yet the way it came about was so unique yet so intense. Why do we choose to keep such secrets - everyone does. Secrets that can have such a devastating effect on us.

During my journey through the darkest valley of death, there was only one aspect of my life that I had utter and complete control over and once that control was threaten - it threatened my very existence. I was shattered and unable to find a way to eleviate this madness. So I had decided to remove myself from this valley and found myself being removed from others as well.

I remembered one day, driving home and thinking about an episode I had reently had seen where Earl the Angel sought help from fellow angels to find his charge. They had created an energy force that touched everyone who knew this woman. Tbe looks on the faces of those touched - how I longed to feel the presence of an angels wings ladened with the love of God. As I pondered this very Hollywood aspect of the Divine, I found myself bathed in the most warm and loving light; while driving down the 405. It was the closest I had ever felt to the Divine, God, my God, the God I have know since childhood.

And then everything changed...

"And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death", never again will I fear evil...

Missed the boat?

Missing the boat - what happens when we miss the boat - the one that everyone else got on but some failed to do so. So is it that we missed a boat? Or simply missed stepped milestones of our lives?
I think I missed the boat. I really do.

How many times did that boat come by and I just turned away. Did I think that I had found that one boat? The perfect one amongst them all? Hardly. I think back, wondering if I was meant to miss the boat - meant to be where I am today. And sometimes it makes me sad that I missed those boats. Because all I have now are memories of days long past, days where I watched the boats sail in and sail away, standing there knowing, the one I was on was never going to stay.

And I wonder where I would be now, had I taken that voyage - the mystery voyage of the unknown. What treasures would I have found had I not let so many pass by in lieu of one. One that could not resist crashing to the shore, leaving me there, unaware of the many wonders I missed out on.
Why do we miss the boat? Watch it sail away? Do we hope to find treasures in the one that beckons us to stay? And if so - what happens once the ship has wreaked, our worlds crumpled under the pressure of loss? Are we simple just left to drift upon a desert island, alone, awaiting for the next ship to pass by?

Or do we simply just become one of "two ships" that pass through the night...

Buffy The Vampire Slayer - Goodbye To You

Running til there is nothing left...

Enter in at your own risk....

http://thedarkenss.blogspot.com

The following poetry is true. The names have been changed to protect me.
Enter in at your own risk....

Wants, Needs and Reality

"You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes, you get what you need" so says Mick Jagger.

So what is it about wants, the innate human desire to have, possess and covet all things that fancy our eyes and desires? And the best wants are the ones we can't have. The ones that are either just out of reach or are just not reachable. What is that driving force within that makes us pursue these wants with a fiery passion that can sometimes can consume us; and sometimes bring us to our knees. Could we be innately masochistic? Or is this Freud's famous "id" that has run amok.

And when we don't get what we want, can we be happy with getting what we need? I think it was innately put in us to confuse wants and needs. Because when we say we need something, what we are really saying is that we want it. Needs are too basic, seemingly unattractive because it can be met. Wants creates needs, but which need is better than the other? If we look at our needs at on a primitive level, it doesn't seem appealing. There is something about the chase of the want; the desired want that sparks and creates a life in an of it self. A life that will only be distinguished when it is either obtained or the need was met. Maybe not the way you plan, but it is still met. The reality is that in today's society we are bombarded by what the media tells us we should want, why we want it and if we don't get it that we must not be enough, or have enough.

And maybe reality is Freud’s "ego" and "superego" dancing to make the need met. And once met, we look back at the lost want and realize what we wanted really isn't what we needed. And yet when that "id" raises it's mischievous ideas, the cycle begins again.

And if we decide to pursue an unattainable want, one can always rely on the "id" defense...

Anything's possible

A Blast from the Past...

Boston once sang, "Don't look back, a new days waiting - its been too long since I felt this way. So basically telling us to leave the past where it is. So why is it that when the past comes back and smacks you upside your head, leaving you to wonder of the ultimate question of "why now"? And what is it about the past that can make one shiver with fear or beam with delight?  My past...scary sometimes to think of just that - smacked me upside my head - well not literally, but it did come a knocking at my door a few weeks ago.

And upon answering the door - I found an old boyfriend from so many years ago I don't want to think about. And it wasn't so much that yes he is an old boyfriend, but more of his attachment to his past with me. A past I could live without being reminded of. Not that it was all bad per se, but considering now he lives next door to me with a girlfriend who knows this past...yeah..that's not good. I really don't feel the need to rehash the past with he or his current girlfriend, but he likes to...

Lately a lot of old boyfriends from the past seem to be popping up out of nowhere and leaves me to question my past loves. Most are amazed that I am single without kids. Not so amazing really - just don't need excess baggage in my life thanks all the same. But it also leads me to wonder if I missed something from the past that I am not seeing now. Or maybe I am missing something from the past?

So why does the past haunt us with melancholy, of days gone by? Is there something that still must be learned from the past? Is the past telling me that I made the right decisions in my life or are there decisions that I could have made that would have made my life different than what it is today?

One thing for sure, I am pretty sure that this relationship would have never worked out, as I am with many of my past relationships. But it makes me wonder if that is what the past is telling me - to stop looking at the past and find a new dawn awaiting me.

My past truly haunts me...