When I sang in the Sunshine..

Liars and Lies...

Liars and lies - we all know them, most of us have been betrayed, lied to, cheated on by those that we put our trust in. I hate liars - to me they are not liars - but thieves as they still the trust that has been given to them.

But what makes people feel the need to lie? Low self esteem? Lack of confidence within themselves? Or just sheer narcissism? Whatever the case may be - lies  - simple words can create damage that is just not repairable.

And what do these Liars hope to gain by their lies? Power over others? Really? If that is the case, I strongly suggest that these individuals take a second look at themselves. When you lie, you must create more lies to cover the first lie. What confusion! I, myself could never keep up with telling lies.

My most recent battle with a Liar has been most detrimental. This woman decided to lie about me.
And when her lie was discovered, she had another person (who should have known better, considering she is an attorney) try to seek out more information about me in which to better her lies.

And to tie it up with a big ribbon bow? - The one person that I respected (clearly I no longer do) collaborated these lies. Shame on you!

In the words of Shakespeare: "To thine ownself be true"...

I Can't Get No Satisfaction...

"Cause I can't get no - no satisfaction", so sang Mick Jagger. Satisfaction is always guaranteed by any bullshit media ad. But really - is it about obtaining satisfaction? Or is it merely expectations. Expectations that we hope to be met.

Expectations - the biggest crime you can commit against yourself.  I have learned that over and over. I tell my friends that having expectations can drive you to an early grave. It is when we expect things, i.e. everything's going to work out; that awesome dude is someday gonna call; I know I got the job...It is this and many other things that people expect. And what happens when those expectations are not met?

I know for myself that by having expectations, I am setting myself up for failure. Why? People are unpredictable, circumstances can change, life is ever changing. When society learns to stop expecting things, i.e. "keeping up with the jones", "everyone owes me something", etc. maybe we as a species can do the same.

Without expectations? Loss of worrying about things you have no control over. No disappointments needed, no loss of any kind really. And when your ship does come in, and you are not waiting like a fool at the dock - that is when life becomes exciting as well as your own.

I don't expect to have a million dollars. I don't expect to meet the man of my dreams. I don't expect my dream job. What I do expect of my self is: patience, endurance and love...

Just because I can't get no - satisfaction

Doesn't' mean I can't be happy...

The Difference...

When asked "don't you need a man"? My reply:

If I need a man
that tells me,
I need someone to
take care of me.
If I want a man
that tells me,
I want someone
to open up my
heart, soul
and world to.

That is the difference...

I Just Want You To Know...

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You

#Hoobastank (2004)

I remember after mom my passed in 2004, this song was on the top charts. I remember driving to school and hearing this song. I remember crying, knowing somewhere, deep in my heart, these words my mother had been singing to me at that time. I could feel her pain, the sorrow for her own misgivings, the guilt she carried for the life she lived. The live that I lived within. And it's not that I didn't know how sorry she was, I don't know if she knew that.

I remember for a few weeks following her passing, a gift she had given me four months ago at Christmas. It was a small porcelain angel with the word that said: Me love you. It kept falling at my feet, my eyes swollen in rivers of despair.

And then...it all started...and I realized what she was sorry about...

It wasn't the past, that had been long done and over. It was about what was to begin. I thought I understood the lifestyle of the poor and disadvantaged. Hell, I lived in it for 19 1/2 years. No, not that. Had I known not only would I lose this woman that mean the world to me, I would have been okay. Sorta.

The song would play. I would listen. And then danger, disaster always followed - lurking in every corner of my world. I thought - would I survive? And if I did, what would become of me? 

And now I look back, today. Today because I heard that song again. That song that appeared to be a warning from the grave. From the past. Warning me.

Sorrow crept within my soul, and began to devour me.  What tragedies lied ahead? How long would it last? The past, always lurking in the shadows of my mind. Of my heart. Of my soul. Always there.

Although no real tragedy arrived, disappointment did. The disappointment that I have had for sometime now. Even before the past. Before I had to fall to lose it all. And I have to ask myself - did it matter? Is it going to matter? 

I know mom...I know...

Saturn's Return....

Saturn - the big bad in astrology. The big bad in life. The task master. The one planet that returns to your natal chart every twenty eight years and sticks his foot up your ass until you get on the path you are to be on.

Yeah, Saturn - he's a bad ass. Think back when you were 28 years old. What was going on in your life at that time? Big life changes? Decisions? Life? Death? You name it - it is there. When Saturn came back to me at 28 - yes he stuck his foot up my ass for 4 years. I was 28 years old when I found that I could no longer tolerate the love of my life and his inability to keep his pants on. This time, Saturn knew...knew all too well that I'd return to him again. Except this time. This time he (the ex) got someone pregnant and it was then I knew I could not pro-create again. And that it was time to get sober.

Which leads me to my story...life is not nor has ever been for the faint of heart. Especially when facing down with the Big Bad. When Saturn returns a second time to your natal chart it is generally around age 56, but the process begins much sooner as with the first dance with him.

It is this time when the Fates step in - and if you do not do something to change your life Clotho (the spinner of life) Lachesis (the one who stirs desire) and finally Atropos (the one who cuts the thread of your life). Atropos is the one to fear now, for she makes this life/death decision that you could not make.

Back in September of 2014, I lost a very close and dear friend of 37 years. Why? Because he could not accept the changes that life was forcing him to make. And Atropos cut the string of his life.
Last night a very dear, long time friend of 38 years died last night. She too, could not bear the changes that life was demanding of her.

Martha - we went way back - I mean really back. Her brother was my first boyfriend when I was sixteen years old. Although Martha and I were the same age, she always treated me as if I was younger than she (technically by four months). But she died - a week before her 55th birthday.

We celebrated her life today and I still in the process of feelings. It took a week before I could come back and finish writing this. Why? Because I had so much unfinished business with her and needed to come to a realization that what is done is done.

When I was seventeen, I was pregnant by her brother. However, their mother had died on my mothers birthday about 5 months earlier. She was adamant that I abort this child, this child I had already fallen in love with. She and my mother (who did not want to lose her live in maid, and my pay check for her drug use) had forced an abortion on me. It was the most devastating event of all the events in my life.

It was like a slaughter house for the unborn. I remember waking up during it and screaming at them not to take my child. But they did. And the damage was done. Never again would I be able to procreate. During our adult age she would say she was sorry, sorry that I never had the joy of having my own children in one breath, and in the second that she was not. Yet we were always there for each other when ever one of us were in need, even in the end.

Martha and I had a falling out a few years ago over her need for Vicodin. Her obsession for it and for me to get scripts for it (the strongest drug I that I take for RA is Tylenol) got so bad that I had to sever ties with her again. But in the end of her life she came to me, she was so lonely, so afraid. She felt abandoned by her family and friends. I tried to be there for her, I really did, but again she wanted my clonzapam and I would not cave. So we would talk and I would tell her that everything was going to be ok. That she just needed to hang in there. But alas, she could not.

She called me a few times in December, but knowing I had started a new internship that I was working very hard at, she let it go. And that is when she let go. And for that I am sad. For that I wish I had been a better friend, took the higher ground. Yet when Saturn came, she was willing to go...

When you reach this age, this very, very important time - be careful to look for the signs that something in your life needs to change. Otherwise, it will be changed for you, and not as you or your loved ones would hope for.

For when Saturn returns \you need to get it together or he will take it apart...

 

Santa...

Santa Claus - possibility the most famous name ever mentioned in written history. But is there really a Santa Claus? I watched a show tonight on TLC about a woman's journey to find a man named Lucas A. Nast. The woman on the show was a news reporter who had covered a story about a mysterious event of snow in Arizona some years back. She had followed a trail to this man that she (I believe) was Santa.

Now whether or not the event that had happened to her was true or not - the events that she uncovered are quite mysterious. The show was about letters sent to the "Santa Program" put on by the Post Offices all around the country. This man Lucas A. Nast had been a part of it and many strange occurrence's surrounded letters written to Santa that he had fulfilled.  At the end of the show, she had gone to a post office that was hosting it's first "1st Annual Lucas A. Nast" toy drive. When she arrived and when she told the detectives her name - they had revealed quite a tale!

A man that had been arrested last year on Christmas Eve and held until charges were to be pressed - had left her a letter. It contained a letter she had written to Santa when she was about seven - shortly after her parents had died. She had asked him to bring her parents back - and alas, he could not. But what he did do was send her a picture that was taken of with him a year before her parents died at a department store in New York. It was somewhat of a moving tale I am sure for most, yet not me.

I was five years old when I stopped believing in Santa - I think my father had a lot to do with that. Although I did not know then, what I do now (my father had developed schizoaffective disorder and bi polar II prior to my birth) is that I am sure much of his delusions had something to do with this. I know it is why I have always wanted to be in the world of psychology. He made me want to understand people - and why they do the things that do. Back to my story...

So on the Christmas Eve when I was five, I woke up suddenly and knew in my heart of hearts that I had heard the sound of reindeer on the roof of our home. But sadly, that illusion changed by morning. I never felt that way again. I remember watching "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" as a child and always felt that I was the little lost doll on "Misfit Island". To this day, I still feel that way. So watching this show tonight, seeing how this "Santa" or as one person on the show had said "St. Nick" had answered all of these letters - how so many children had been touched by this mystical being - except me of course. I always dreaded Christmas - I still do. Although I must say that this year I am happier than I have been since I really don't know when.

I had confided in my therapist last year about this time of year that I felt like the unwanted doll on Misfit Island. She had no clue of what I was referring to - but it really didn't matter to me, I knew what I meant.

So this last week, at my new internship, as I am filling out paperwork for my new clients, I keep writing 12/14/14, instead of 12/11/14. I had mentioned this to the last client of the day and she had thought it was strange. In my mad hatter thoughts, I felt - maybe something special was going to happen on this date of 12/14/14. But alas - nada. Except maybe this show.

Once I became an "adult" (notice the quotes) meaning, on my own, job, apt, etc. I have always bought everything whatever I felt I needed or wanted, which left my family upset because they never knew what to get me. I think I did that because I needed to reassure myself that since Santa had never answered not one of my letters, I would make sure I got what I wanted.

So this year rolls around, same questions from my family - what do I want for Christmas? My youngest brother says - what do you want - I say - what I want - money cannot buy. And it is true.
All I have ever wanted was to know love - real love - no more false love. And so as another year rolls by, I am still the lost doll on Misfit Island waiting for someone to do just that. To want me, to care for me, to let me know what love is. But maybe it is not meant to be.

What I do know is that I will have the kids in my group write a letter to this "Santa" and maybe their wishes will be answered, since mine have gone unanswered.

Until then, I will remain - the lost doll on "Misfit Island"...